| Welcome to Windsor |
[Sep. 9th, 2008|11:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  restless | ] |
I've officially moved to Windsor!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't believe it I've packed my whole life as I know it and moved down here. It's a change a BIG change. I miss home so much, my friends, my family, home cooked meals, my bed, my shower...yes I have a few odd things such as a shower since I share a shower with 8 other girls...Living on rez isn't so bad but the drama and the caddyness has already started. It just seems like the girls down the hall have made a group and they exclude everyone despite we have floor meetings where it is emphasized to include everyone since we all live together. I don't know I made an effort since some of the girls are in my program I thought I'd try and be nice to them. Oh well I've only got 7 months of the education program left. I've made friends and I'm very happy with them. I just hope no one steps on anyones toes the next few months.
I never thought I'd be home sick like this I just feel like I've shut down my personality has changed and I feel it has changed for the worse. I miss my parents but I miss my friends more. I guess its the fact of what happened the first time I left and they just didn't make the effort. They have called and texted I know their busy and what not but I'm starting to see that it's me once again who has been making all the effort. Which isn't a surprise since I'm always makingg an effort. I was so excited to have gotten into teachers college that out of 750 students accepted I was one of them. I'm very blessed and I have no one but to thank god for that but..the one fear I had was leaving the friends behind. Like I mentioned before I feel so closed off from before I'm not that bubbly as I used to be I just feel like this place is making me more depressed I thought with school starting I would be busy which I am and it will distract me from thinking about this it really hasn't it's like a cloud over my head.
I can't complain too much Im so happy I have Hishaam here and we're spending a lot of time together that's all I wanted out of that I guess with the next few months it will either make us or break us. I give him so much credit he helped me move in, he has taken me out by riverside not to mention how beautiful it was by the river to see detroit at night it's a sight I don`t think I can get sick of.
I really do hope things turn around for the better because I don`t want to live here for the next 7 months and be miserable. This is an opportunity an experience I have to take advantage of it before it`s too late and it`s time to go back home. |
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| Catching up |
[Jul. 4th, 2008|08:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
It's been well over a month since I last wrote in here. A lot has happened I finished summer school at York. I'm officially done now well not quite I still have this online that I have to finish off before August 15 and I'm still reading the novels for them. Did I mention theres 18 novels to read and I'm currently on #5....pretty nervous.
Canada long weekend we drove down to Ottawa as we usually do it was a great long weekend my cousins and I spent some time togeter considering it was my cousin Shakil's 20th birthday so we did something special for him. The day after his birthday we went white water rafting it was the most thrilling experience I've had. My nerves were all over the place I was scared to fall out of the raft or have the current take me away but I was sfe and stayed in the raft the whole time. Each time we hit a wave I was so driven to go right for it. That day we were also able to go cliff diving that on its own was an experience since our guide Jeff told us that the minute we jump from the cliff we have to make sure to get back up to the surface and get back to the island since the current would take us down the Ottawa river. I was very lucky that I was able to jump twice. I was happy that I got to cross of two things on my to do list.
The rest of the week has been nothing but work I'm trying to put in as many hours as I can since when I move out to Windsor I won't be working at Iceland so much. My parents don't seem to understand that I understand they want to go out on the weekens and spend time with the family like go to the beach, picking fruit, having people over for dinner etc. but right now I have a lot of bills to pay off especially my visa bill since I did a little bit of shopping when we crossed the border two weeks when we went to Windsor for my cousin Nadia's birthday. It's hard seeing a well deserved pay check go to the bills =(.
Lastly, I've been thinking of Hishaam like crazy I had such a weird dream about the two of us. For the past weeks we've been talking at least once or twice a week since he started working for his friends company. The weird thing about my dream was that I got engaged to someone else and Hishaam got so angry with me that he was screaming and yelling saying I should have waited because he was going to propose. So I ended the engagment with the random person and accepted Hishaam's proposal and when he gave me the engagment ring I noticed it said his sister in laws name so I questioned him about it. Fast forward so he finally got me a ring and it was engraved "whatever happens happens". Of course I woke up but I know we got engaged. It's just weird I've been missing him so much and I'm that much more determined to stay and work things out. Something has over come me that I want nothing more then this and I've been feeling that he is my future. I don't know only time will tell
Things I'm greatful for:
1. Mommy's surprise birthday was a success
2. Being awarded from the Region of Peel for the Literacy Program as well as awarded for the Early Literacy program |
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| Helloooooooo PARIS |
[May. 18th, 2008|04:39 pm] |
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| |  sick | ] |
As stated in my last entry I had a few back up plans just in case the whole teachers college thing didn't work out. To my surprise I got the job to teach in PARIS.....YES PARIS my mouth dropped I couldn't believe it. My favourite city in the world and I got a teaching job. It was probably the hardest decision I ever had to make in my life. To go to Paris or to stay here and do teachers college. After much consideration and getting everyone's advice it would be best that I stay here and finish up teachers college. The way Sabah put it is that I'm being offered a job without my teaching degree what would that mean if I got my degree and went back afterwards. It would mean that I would get paid a little bit more and this time I will be experienced. There are times that I feel as though I should be taking the Paris offer but I'm using that only as an excuse to run away when things are bad and I shouldn't do that. I did have a Hills moment that if I didn't go to Paris this type of opportunity would never come back and "I'll always be known as the girl who didn't go to Paris". But Paris isn't going anywhere I'm still trying to see if I can defer the offer until next year and tell them that I would still be very much interested in the offer.
As much as I would love to leave there were a lot of things holding me back. I hate change I'm scared if I left how everyone would be around me when I got back since the contract is only for a year. There were a lot of questions up in the air with this. Would I still have my friends?, Would Hishaam and I have a fighting chance or would he give up?, Would this ruin my life in the long run?, Would I end up staying in Paris forever? I know I'm getting way ahead of myself but there are so many people I love and care for and to leave them is a hard thing to do. I'm still very childish as it is I don't think I'd be ready to move across the globe and start a life without anyone not yet at least.
Things I'm greatful for:
1. Windows of opportunities are being opened
2. P.S I love you is the sweetest movie ever...yes I cried |
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| Catch Up |
[May. 4th, 2008|10:04 pm] |
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| |  stressed | ] |
It's official it's been a month since I wrote something. I know I've been saying I will write something when I have the time. I'm not going to sit here and say that I didn't have the time because I did. I've just been really lazy. The last few weeks of school which was back in March was a killer. I had no days off to study no breaks in between I had one exam one after another after another. I can't complain I did finish April 2nd so I've had a long break in order to recover from the sleepless nights.
So the month of April was right around the corner and this would be the month that would define my future. Teachers college decisions came out on April 1st. I had this feeling that I wouldn't have gotten accepted anywhere and I came to terms with that. I had a few back-up plans if I got rejected. 1. I would go back to school and take some extra classes, 2. Wait to hear on my application to teach in Paris, 3. Apply to Bufflo, 4. Get a job. So the windows of opportunities weren't closed yet. At 12am I checked to see if I got accepted anywhere and nothing was posted. That whole night I couldn't sleep I thought it might be handing my paper in for my class but my nerves got the best of me I woke up at 7:30am and checked the site again. When I got to the University of Windsor's page my mouth dropped "Provisional Acceptance". I couldn't believe it I got accepted to teachers college in Windsor. I tried calling my mom but she wasn't in the office yet. I called Hishaam and he was happy for me. I always get this feeling from him that he is happy when I succeed in my life. I just feel bad mentioning it to him considering the whole job delay. I don't think it's really hit me yet that I've been accepted. I seem to have a lot more stress then before don't get me wrong it's a big weight that has been lifted off my shoulders but the word 'provisional' is stressing me out. When I applied to teachers college I picked the option to teach Intermediate/Senior level. In order to teach at that level I would need an Hons BA. Which I didn't have I only had a BA. I always saw myself teaching high school kids I get along with them a lot better then little kids. With the term provisional it just means that once I'm done my degree I have to send them my transcript stating that I've completed it.
A few days after it was my birthday once again April 4th has come and I turned 22. Of course everyone kept with tradition by being the first ones to call at midnight but to my surprise Hishaam was the first one to beat everyone even Sabah. I was shocked but it felt so good to have him be the first one it's something I've wanted for a very long time. My birthday seemed pretty crappy at first the weather was awful it was cold and it was raining. I decided to do something nice for myself I went and got my nails done and chilled at home until the door bell rang and I saw a clown balloon outside. (Note: I'm very scared of clowns). It was a sweet gesture from Sabah and Waqqas they took me out for a late lunch and then my parents took me out for dinner which was nice. It's been a while since the three of us sat down at a restaurant and had dinner we're usually with other people it was nice quality family time. The next day was the day of my party it was a nice dinner with the crew and Hishaam and afterwards my first venture to downtown to go clubbing at Republik. The past few days leading up to my birthday wasn't the greatest a lot of people bailed out for various reasons: school (which I can understand), family gatherings, didn't have the time, no money etc. All these I can understand it's just that for everyone else's birthday I've always gone out of my way to make it the only way I wouldn't be able to do this is if anyone went to a club. I was a bit upset a few people I wanted to be there didn't make it. Other then that the night was what I wanted dinner was amazing Hishaam got along so well with everyone and he likes everyone as well, my first time in the limo was something I will never forget and Republik was LIVE!!!!! the music, the atmosphere EVERYTHING was more then I expected. Except the fact that Hishaam didn't come inside since he wasn't into the club scene I have to give him credit he did come for my birthday.
As April was coming to an end there just seemed so much to be done but so little time. I was working a lot trying to get as many hours in as possible before I leave for Windsor so I'll have enough money for either residence or my books. Also writing up my petitions for my Honours waiver and a course overload to take in summer school. It was as if all the stress just came back. I'm so stressed out since my dad retires this year which means that we will be a bit short on cash. I'm doing whatever I can to not spend anything and not putting anything on my Visa. I was happy I went down to Windsor last week and I didn't charge anything to my Visa and I paid everything in cash.
Now that April is over the month of May has started which meant working longer hours and starting summer school. So far I've managed to enrol in 2 classes now it's just waiting for this petition to be approved so I can be granted permission to be enrolled in one more class. I swear my life just seems like the biggest joke ever I'm always on the go never having a moment to breath, and not to mention nothing but STRESS!!!!!!. I wish it can all be over. At least this Friday I have a bit of a social life my friend atousa is having her engagment party I'm happy that Sabah said she'd be my date since Hishaam couldn't make it. It's the start of a new chapter my girl friends are getting ready to get engaged and married.
Can life just slow down a bit where did the time go where we used to play tag and hide and go seek or jump rope, or have story time and make arts and crafts for fun? I just want to be a kid again where life just seemed to move so slowly and not to have a care in the world. |
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| I Miss LJ |
[Mar. 29th, 2008|02:18 am] |
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| | hungry | ] |
I almost made it two months without a post....that is crazy!!!!! It's time for an overdue post and this time I really promise to write something I've been feeling a little bottled up these past few weeks/months its time to let some things get off my chest |
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| Promise |
[Feb. 3rd, 2008|11:22 pm] |
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| | exhausted | ] |
It's been weeks since I last wrote in here. It's a new year I promise I'll post an entry tomorrow once I'm done my essay. I'm just so tired from work and school. I didn't sleep at all last night and that's all I want is to have a good night sleep =( |
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| First day back at school =( |
[Jan. 3rd, 2008|10:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | grateful | ] |
Yesterday was my last day of freedom since school started today I decided to spend the day by going skating and end it off with timmies with the crew. I was really not in the mood to go back to school. I should be happy since I've got 4 more months to go but I'm just so tired I don't really care =(. This semester is a lot easier then last so the work load is somewhat spread out.
I should really try and change my study habits instead of leaving things to the last minute I think that should be one of my new year's resolutions.
My uncle from Quebec called last night to wish us a happy new year I don't think words can express how much I love him. Over the years he's been so supportive when it comes to school, work, volunteering. He's always showing me how much he loves me it's rare to find such good hearted people like my uncle. He's so cute he kept asking me to get him a ticket for convocation he said he wouldn't miss it for the world. I'm so lucky to have him be such a positive influence in my life.
Things I'm greatful for
1. skating days are always fun
2. yummy timmies
3. great hair day =) |
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| HAPPY NEW YEAR |
[Jan. 2nd, 2008|01:11 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | excited | ] |
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't even know where 2007 went but it's done and over with so there's no point in catching up with the events from last year I probably can't even remember half of the things that went on anyway.
So here's to a new year, filled with tons of laughter, tears of joy, memorable moments, awkward moments, whatever moment it is make it a year you won't forget.
Let's get this year started =) |
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| I wanna sleep |
[Dec. 10th, 2007|04:05 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
IT'S CURRENTLY 4:05AM AND I'M NOT SLEEPING :S....I wanna sheeeppppp so badly
=(
catching up on the journal this week |
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| Giving it back?? |
[Nov. 13th, 2007|08:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
So I've got 3 weeks of school left until I'm on vacation for a month I'm excited these past four weeks have been crazy my sleeping schedule is so off Hishaam is partly to blame for that overall I'm just so behind on my readings which I have to catch up on since in-class exams are coming up I have to make sure I catch up this week. I'm happy I'm almost done my York and Windsor application for teachers college so it's some motivation right now but I feel like I'm focussing so much on the application and not my readings.
I've been doing okay since my last entry I was reading over the last thing I wrote and it's hard to come to terms with things it's so easy to pour your heart out and get exactly what you want out on the screen but for people to understand it's just hard. Two weeks ago we celebrated Sabah and Ravi's 21st birthday we all went to Rainforest Cafe it was nice apart from sitting at the end of the table and being ignored but I guess everyone knew I really didn't feel comfortable where I was. Anyways I suggested to everyone that on the 9th we should all go out consider the 10th would have been our 3 year anniversary. It was good I knew I would be busy on the 10th but the 9th I was sure I would be really emotional. We all went skating on Friday it was nice to be with the whole group for once apart from falling and my parasuco jeans ripping and getting a gash on my butt it was fun ooh and minus the fact that I called this outing a "singles day out" of course Sabah and Ravi didn't understand this concept the whole time we were out it was "baby I love you" giving each other kisses here and there. To be honest I'm happy they have a great relationship but to flaunt it right infront of me considering that my anniversary is the next day did hurt me so much. This is the first anniversary we wouldnt celebrate and I just needed time to deal with that I couldn't even do that since they were all lovey dovey they could have at least understand that I didn't want to see that.
Hishaam and I are still talking it's so bad I know but it's hard to stop we've been talking to each other everyday it doesn't mean we're getting back together I'm just taking it as it comes I guess. Things were okay until Sunday night when I told him it's official my parents decided to come down to Windsor to do some shopping. There are three main reasons to be happy to go to Windsor 1. SHOPPING =) 2. Seeing Hishaam and 3. Seeing my friends. Well I guess 2 out of 3 works right.
I suggested that we go see a movie and grab a bite to eat with my cousin and I guess what he said was a blow below the belt he said "no". I was shocked my jaw dropped I got a bit annoyed and asked why and he said "he just doesn't want to see me". I started to get a bit annoyed on the phone asking what did I do for him to give me that answer he kept telling me I didn't do anything. It just hurt I thought we were on a good path and he screwed it up. Towards the end of the conversation he started editing my essay and I was so annoyed by his answer. I asked him what the reason was and he couldn't even answer he said it has something to do with my aunts and what not. I'm like who cares about them you're not going out with them but me and I tried explaining that it would just be for us to spend some time and have fun. I give him credit because he did say if there is a family dinner he would come sadly there isn't a dinner and this is what I tried telling him.By the end of the conversation I asked if he would call the next day and of course what else is new he wouldn't give me a straight answer I was fed up and just said "it's either a yes or no so tell me so you don't waste my time" and his answer was "no" I was so pissed I'm like "okay fine goodbye".
Yesterday I sent him a few teacher college applications to go over for me and he didn't even accept any of them on MSN. I don't get it why is he mad for I should have every right to be upset. He's being such a hypocrite he has no problem to talk to me on the phone but he can't even see me. I've finally after sitting down and considering every possible angle of the situation I'm going to give him till Thursday to see if he picks up and if he doesn't then on Saturday when I'm in Windsor I'll call one more time to see if he's changed his mind and if that doesn't happen then it's done. I've already started to get his things ready to give back. I'm just scared if I give him his stuff back then that would ruin any chance of him coming back but if you think about it this will show him I'm not taking his crap anymore and if he does decide to come back he has to make it up to me. I'm just so confused.
My friend Marlene kept reassuring me that I can do this that I'm a strong person for finally taking a stand and looking after myself. Her words really touched my heart she was saying that I'm a good person who knows what I want out of life and that I work hard by teaching literacy, and math to little kids, I've got drive and determination, I've got friends and family who love and adore me and I should deserve someone who sees all these qualities. Question is am I really a strong person? I don't think I am I know for a fact I'm such a weak person it's my heart that makes me weak I put my all into whatever it is and when someone hurts me it takes a very long time to forget about it. I don't know anymore I seem to know nothing at the moment.
Only time will tell and maybe it's best this happens it's just hard because if this doesn't work I can move on and forgive Hishaam but at the same time I want to forget him (Lauren from the hills line) |
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| One Last Dance |
[Oct. 29th, 2007|09:29 pm] |
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| | sad | ] |
I've been trying to come to terms with the whole offical break up and it's just so hard because there are things everywhere which makes me feel so alone. I had everything I've ever wanted in both hands and with a blink of an eye it's all gone. It's sad to say but I haven't been able to accept the fact that it's over and a part of me is still saying that there is a chance but when reality kicks in the other part of me is telling me it's time to move on. I've done everything I possible could have done to save the relationship. I know I have to get over this and move on and forget but can you really forget your first love?
It's bad enough my mom is always reminding me to stay away from him and saying all these bad things against Hishaam but to go to school and hear the news that girls in my classes got engaged and flashing there rings everywhere. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for them but I just don't understand one of the girls met her fiance in March of this year and she's engaged. I've been with Hishaam for 3 years and we have nothing to show for it. I've got a friend of mine at school who has been with her boyfriend for 4 years and they live together mind you she's my age living at home with her boyfriend and her dad. Weird but it happened anyways her and her boyfriend went ring shopping and found a ring she liked. They decided to get it customized what's funny is that she's always complaining how she wants to get engaged and so on. The thing is when you think about it she has everything every girl wants minus the ring of course. She's got the perfect boyfriend, who lives with her, having her dad accept the guy, being invited to his family dinners etc. Yet she is complaining that he hasn't asked her to marry him yet.
Example 2: My bestfriend Sabah and Ravi have been together almost 3 years now same time around Hishaam and I started dating. They have this perfect relationship where she goes over, spends time with him, he calls her during the day and at night, he tells her everything, he shows her emotions, it's even come down to the point where Ravi's mom asked Sabah to call her mom instead of calling her by her surname.
Example 3: My other good friend Amanda from highschool her and her boyfriend have been together for 2 years but they have known each other for like 10 years or so. They as well have a long distance relationship since he lives in the states and she lives here. They will go back and forth to visit one another so it works and they make time.
I'm happy for all of them honestly I am I just don't understand why isn't it my turn for once to be happy and find that significant other. I question every possible angle that there is and I still don't have an answer. Is it because I'm a bad person? Do I not deserve to be happy like everyone else? Have I done something wrong? What??????????
My girlfriends are lucky to have what every girl dreams of having a perfect person to be with without problems okay I know they have problems but it's nothing they can't get over. I would like to think I'm a good person with a good heart and I've put myself out on the line numerous times and each time I've always been hurt. Until Hishaam came along and I thought maybe that was the reason for me to get hurt all those times was to find him and him take all that pain away. Is it so much to ask for just to be happy and find that happiness that they have?. I always put my friends and family first before I look after myself just for once I want to be selfish and make me happy and I can't even do that. I get the same speech over and over again "sher you have to get over him", "don't call message or text him" blah blah blah. Okay I honestly get it but for once stop and think did you ever sit down and understand what I'm feeling? How alone I am without my bestfriend the one person who knew me in and out probably better then anyone else I know. No one understands losing that special person and they take that for granted. Every stupid little fight they have some make it the end of the world and it really isn't for them because they have that sense of security and stability because they know their boyfriends wouldn't leave them. I didn't have that I lost that I have no security or stability in my life. I have nothing. I know I've got my friends and family, work and school etc. but is that all is that really all I'm going to have? I want more then that I want to feel alive again I want that feeling that Hishaam gave me the sense of being kept on my toes. I know what he has done is wrong and it doesn't justify anything but when you've fallen in love it takes you into another world where nothing makes sense but the only sense you can feel is how on top of the world you are.
I've lost my bestfriend someone who I can easily run to if ever there was a problem, someone who I can pour my heart out, someone who I can cry and laugh and play fight with, my sense of security, stability, hope, my faith, my strength, my other half, the piece to the puzzle.
It's hard to let go when you don't want to and as hard as you try something just keeps pulling you back and it makes you forgive the person for all their faults until they screw up again and that's when you don't want to go back. I always thought my life plan would be complete I would be done school in a few months, having a job not the greatest job but it pays the bills, having an amazing bf who would be head over heels for me. Life would just be complete sadly it isn't and that void is still inside. |
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| The story of my life |
[Oct. 22nd, 2007|11:14 pm] |
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| | cold | ] |
I've been so busy with school I always tell myself I'm going to write in my journal today and I keep pushing it till the next day until I just forget. I really have to work on keeping promises I think I'm just caught up in my own little world that I've forgotten so many things that needs to be done like working on my teachers college applications for one, buying birthday gifts for my friends, finishing aliya's birthday gift. I can't really blame school ...okay I lied I can fully blame school for this I've been caught up doing all these assignments and readings I just haven't had time for anything else.
These past few weeks have just been crazy with the amount of work that has accumulated I just don't seem to have time to sit down and relax and take a deep breath. I've been having the feeling I won't get into teacher's college this year I've been putting off doing my application and essay. It's bad to say but it's been my dream to be a teacher but I'm so scared of being rejected that I don't want to apply. Everyone has been saying "you won't know unless you apply" I've always been the one to be discouraged if I don't succeed. I put myself down and I get to a point where I'm not motivated to do it. Don't get me wrong I want to apply and see where things go but the thought of getting a small envelope as opposed to a big one is the most scary thing ever. The whole family knows that it's down to the wire with school and getting my degree and they are so happy when they hear I have only 7 more months of school left. To dissapoint them and tell them I didn't get in I feel like a failure. I'll do what I can this week and apply as long as I did it's better then nothing right?
For the next 5 weeks I've got something due every week. So far 2 weeks have gone by and I've wrote 4 papers I'm so tired okay not tired just lazy. I can easily sit down and write a Sociology paper like that with no problem at all but to sit down and write an English paper it seems like it takes the life out of me. Like I mention before it's down to the wire now all the pressure is on because of the 4th year classes I have to get in next semester. I'm trying so hard to pull off as much as I can I just hope in the long run it's what I want. Last week was convocation and there were signs all over school "congradulations class of 2007" etc. I had to stop and think wow next year I'll be one of those graduates. I couldn't believe for a second that 4 years has gone by and I've made it in school. Don't get me wrong I'm a smart kid just lazy and I fully admit it. All I want is on my $40,000+ degree to say B.A Hons instead of B.A. It's a big deal to me just to have that "Hons" that's what is going to help me get into teachers college to teach highschool. The pressure is on and this is the last chance I get to prove that I can do it. I can't afford any slip ups.
Last week I saw Hishaam he finally called me up and we both decided we would go out and eat lunch before he leaves. I was nervous to see him like I usually am. This would be the first time we would see each other in 2 months mind you 2 months is a long time considering we stopped talking before I left. I couldn't help myself I just sat in the car and couldn't stop looking at him it felt like it did all over again when this were good between us. We were laughing and talking it was nice. I always feel comfortable around him even when things are bitter between us he just puts me at ease. I don't usually feel like that since I'm always analyzing things like the atmosphere, situation I'm in. We had lunch omg Indian food is always good to eat *drools*. At the restaurant I had to tell him that if he doesn't give me an answer that this would be the last time we ever see each other or speak to one another. I was just so fed up with things I just needed to know where would we go from here. The way I saw things is that we've had our time apart to think things over, see whats out there, let go of the past and now maybe focus on the future. I explained to him that my whole mentality has changed and I think for the better I'm so much more calm and relax and I don't take things so seriously like I used to. The smallest things I used to fight about doesn't even matter anymore. I look back now and I'm like wow half the things I said to him wasn't even worth fighting for, going to bed angry, it all wasn't worth it. It's just a matter of it being to late or not. I have to admit I cried in front of him I couldn't hold it anymore I didn't want to let go but I had to take a stand and do what's right for me if he didn't want to be with me then I have to let go and accept it and move on and start getting over him. So Hishaam and I both agreed that Sunday would be the day that we would know where things stand.
So Sunday came around and to be honest I've never been more nervous or unstable with my emotions. Today would be the day where it was either Hishaam and I would go on with our relationship or end it with no contact what so ever. A part of me thought for one second that he would say yes and stay and be with me since it's been so long but reality kicked in and of course he said no. It was hard to swallow at first and not to mention I cried on the phone but something was different this time I could tell in his voice that he was upset regardless he didn't want to admit it he sounded as if something was bothering him. I could be wrong and looking into it to much. He kept saying oh I know we'll talk again and so on. Sadly he was right I needed him to edit and essay for me so technically it wasn't the last time. What's funny is that during the week Hishaam and I spent more time on the phone with each other then we did since he came back I don't know it's just he's got this spell over me that I can't seem to shake off.
Things were okay for the next two days but since he's come down I haven't heard from him at all |
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| Mentally Drained Part 2 |
[Oct. 10th, 2007|07:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
I was so tired yesterday I had a lot on my mind that I couldn't even finish writing. So continuing from yesterday's journal Saturday we had Iftar at my aunty Fazia's house I always have a good time with the family I just feel like even when I'm not feeling like I'm on top of the world they always have a way of bringing my spirits back up. Not to mention the food oooohhhh my everything was sooooo good I stuffed my face I won't lie about that. Sunday was a good day as well I had work which wasn't so bad and to end it off I went on a shopping spree with my two cousins(Aliya and Najat). I needed some new outfits and I feel so great about them I bought a dress shirt and a belt from Costa Blanca and dress at UB. I haven't gone shopping in a while so it's good I deserve it.
So Sunday night I decided to lay low and just kick back and relax and watch some movies I ended up watching Premonition. I actually liked it but after watching the movie I had to call Hishaam just to tell him to be careful when he was driving up here on Thanksgiving Monday. It was a sweet conversation he really appreciated the call and he knew I had faith in him that he would pass his interview/test. Monday rolls along I had the day off from work which was good thank god one of the girls at work took my shift. I managed to get so much reading done I was so proud of myself to see all the check marks in my agenda rather then "x's". It was just a matter of time to get motivated again to sit down and write out my 3 assignments which I was dreading to do.
On Tuesday all I could do was think of Hishaam and how his interview was going whether or not he would pass or fail. Since he did mention before that if he would pass he would call me and if he failed then it was goodbye since he said he was going to kill himself which I knew wasn't true anyways. All I could do was be a "slave to my phone"(as my mother would say). I couldn't help but look at the time pass and I kept thinking "oh my god I think he failed". After lunch at the underground I ended up going to my friends class I just didn't want to be alone and plus I got work done which is weird I was able to work on my teacher's college application. Until the phone started to vibrate it was him I was freaking out I picked up and said I would call him back. During break I find out that he did pass his test I was so happy for him he told me he would call me back since he was in the Hospital visiting his friend Mohit so he agreed to calling me back afterwards. He called back but I was in a metting at work so basically the whole time I was at work we played phone tag until I managed to get a hold of him when the meeting was over. I asked if we would see each other on Wednesday since I get off early I would have enough time to spend with him so we can talk things out but of course he has to blow me off for what reason....I don't know I basically told him the reason i've been dying to see him was to talk things out I explained to him how I respected him and waited till his test/interview was over and his reaction "oooh noo my tests aren't over yet so I guess we have to wait". I was just so pissed off at this point again the phone tag started. I give him credit he called and we talked for a few minutes he said he would call back and knowing Hishaam he didn't.
On the way home from the work meeting I was telling my mom about the situation with Hishaam and for some reason she went mental I don't know what came over her but she gave me the lecture of my life. How if I end up with him my life will be nothing but pain and I will never be happy, Hishaam is a heartless jerk, she also mentioned that she isn't afraid to basically tell him off when she sees him and how he isn't welcomed at our house anymore. I never felt more hurt by my mom's reaction to this situation I just wanted to be left alone. I understood where she was coming from because as a mother she doesn't want her child to get hurt but to enforce such a strick rule as to turn my phone off and cut him out and drilling and drilling it in my head I couldn't take it anymore I needed to go to bed. I couldn't even finish writing in my journal last night.
Today I called Hishaam right before class to find out if it was for sure we would be meeting up since he didn't call back again to confirm. Biggest mistake I made, I was just so annoyed that it was 3 years ago that we met each other and I wanted to do something special I got him chocolate cake to celebrate him passing and for this and he couldn't make time. I was just so fed up at him blowing me off. He explained to me he was going back to the hospital to visit Mohit which is fully understandable I would do the same. Hishaam made a comment about that if I was in Mohit's position he would come and visit me and spend time with me at the hospital of course I knew this was all talk, just pure bs. I just told him what was the truth "you wouldn't come and see me if I was in the hospital you wouldn't even care my dad was in the hospital last year you didn't even bother to come down and see him". I think he was surprised that I would throw that card on the table but it was the truth he should say something which isn't true all he could say was "why are you being so mean" my answer to that "I'm not being mean that's the truth deal with it" Hishaam "okay bye" and then he hung up.
I freaked out and started kicking myself for saying what I said I tried to call him back but he wouldn't answer his phone, I texted him because I felt bad and it was out of line for what I said regardless it's the truth he didn't even come to visit his girlfriend( at the time) dad. I did whatever I could have done to get a hold of him he just wouldn't answer. So I texted him and said that "I'm sorry for what I said I'm going to leave you alone for you to get some time to cool off but I do hope you call so we can hang out for a bit. Sad to say but I didn't leave him alone I saw he was online so I messaged him and asked if "he was part of the I hate Sehrezade club or was he a member already" he didn't even answer.
My mom and I managed to talk things out well more like just not even talk about it. I just had to open my mouth and mention to her that for Eid I wanted to treat myself to something nice a nice hair cut from Donatos I regret for opening my mouth it caused this whole big fight there was so much yelling and screaming and then she just mentioned the whole thing with Hishaam and I couldn't take it anymore I cracked and started to cry my eyes out and ran upstairs. She kept going on and on and on and on she just wouldn't stop. I wanted to rip my hair out of my head I've never felt so cornered in my life. It's so hard to explain it felt like the world came crashing down all at once and I just didn't know how to handle it. For the first time I was shocked that I didn't know how to handle the situation especially one with my mom. She's never like this we've had fights before but not as bad as this. All I said to her is that I couldn't talk to her right now and she took it in the sense that I never wanted to speak to her again. It's so hard being here right now I really don't want to be here I just want to get away start over somewhere new. I hate how all boy trouble causes drama everywhere else
In my friend Lisa's words " some say wheres the good in goodbye in my case good-great super fantastic byeee peace out laytaaa " ......if it was only that easy life would make so much sense and Hishaam would be gone by now. |
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| Mentally Drained |
[Oct. 9th, 2007|10:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | drained | ] |
Seeing how I promised I would write in here clearly I'm not very good at keeping promises. So much has gone on that I'm mentally drained. Things just kept happening left right and centre. I give myself credit I managed to handle things rather then just crying about it and blaming myself for everything that has gone wrong.
To be honest I don't know what happened when so I'm not even going to bother with the dates. I'm just going to get right into what I can remember.
I'm not sure if I wrote this down in my previous entries but Aaron and I had stopped talking over some stupid crap and the way our conversation ended wasn't on the greatest terms. I've never in my life felt so disrespected by a bestfriend that just hearing his name or talking about him put a bad taste in my mouth. It's not so much what he said it's just based on how he said it and his tone. So that was it I was done and over it he made it clear that he didn't want to be friends so my new attitude kicked in and said fine it's time to move on. I've got too many friends yet so little time to give each one of them a good equal amount of time. A few weeks ago Aaron calls me up out of the blue and says that we need to talk about things and sort our differences out. I was caught off guard I remember this is a person who wanted nothing to do with me, or my friendship and is now wanting to work it out. Whatever Aaron said I forgave him he's like a big brother to me and the thing with me is that I see that time heals all wounds. So I gave it a shot and decided to see him. We met up and my first reaction to seeing him was I just started crying my eyes out. I knew deep down inside that something was wrong. It was just the way he was, the way his car was in a mess, the smell of weed I knew it was something bad. I don't think I ever hated Aaron the way I did when he took a little bag of E and placed it in his drink right in front of me. It was as if he lost all respect for me and decided to do that crap in front of me and thought it would be okay. I just exploded and said to him "if you ever do that shit near me I swear to god Aaron you will lose all respect from me and I will hate you for the rest of my life" For some reason that got to him and he didn't do it. He just wasn't the same he was addicted to drugs not just weed but cocaine,e, etc and all this other crap. It was bad and I've never felt more uncomfortable being around him then ever. I noticed his memory was shot he couldn't even remember things we talked about a few minutes before, he would be in denial about his excessive amount of drugs he was using. Bascially he wasn't the same Aaron I've come to know and love this evil substance was taking over him. I just prayed that there was something that could make him stop thank god for a cure. Aaron took it upon himself to stop after the boys had a drug intervention if that didn't work then rehab was the next option. Apart of me want's to believe that he's quit but another part of me doesn't I still have a feeling that he's still doing that crap here and there but not as much. This alone was such a stress factor I just didn't know what to do, how to approach the situation. I'm just glad that's over and done with
Well we all know Hishaam is back in my life again and it's come to a point where I falt out told him that the only reason I'm talking to him is just to fix things between us and see where this goes I'm not here to be friends with you in any way. The way I see it is that there are two roads: 1. the friendship road and 2. the relationship road. The two can never cross each other and the two can never change once you're in a certain direction it's hard to come out of it. We had a little bit of an outburst a few weeks ago since I kept reminding him about the whole not staying to be friends crap and he basically told me that that's all he wanted was to be friends and nothing more. I felt bad because I knew he was under a lot of stress and pressure with the whole interview/test coming up so I promised him that I wouldn't mention anything about us getting back together and it worked. I didn't say anything and he was a lot calmer and understanding yeah it sucked our conversations were short but it was something better than nothing.
I'm getting tired of writing I'll write about today's event tomorrow |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 3rd, 2007|11:12 pm] |
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I promise this weekend I will write in here a lot has gone on. |
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| Praying for a Cure |
[Sep. 24th, 2007|12:08 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | worried | ] |
Can this really be happening to one of our own? This can't be real. |
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| Wishful Thinking |
[Sep. 16th, 2007|01:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crushed | ] |
Just when I thought he's changed haha joke was on me right. Yeah he didn't change at all. He wants to be civil but yet acts like an a-hole. Honestly I feel so stupid sometimes for ever thinking things could have worked out. I think my problem is that I see the good in people and I believe that they can change. Some people can I'll give them the benefit of the doubt but time and time again he's proven to me that he can't change.
I don't know why after all this time it still hurts. Is it wrong to say I still have something there for him? and I did wish so badly that it could and would have worked out. No matter how much I can lie and tell everyone I'm over it and I'm ready to move on and meet new people something is still holding me back and won't let go. I know crying it out is the best emotion to let it all out but it just feels like all the pain is still there and that I'm not that happy yet.
It sounds dumb but I did a quiz on "How Happy Are You?" I was surprised with the results it says "Congratulations. You are a goddess of happiness. You have a zest for life, and always see the glass half full. You're the woman who lights up a room when you enter and whose attention everyone wants. You genuinely love and respect yourself and others, and don't mind showing it off with your cool confidence and generous heart. Inside and out, you're the goddess you want to be. Pampering yourself with a day off or a soothing massage nurtures your spirit. Goddess, keep shining your light wherever you go, and remember to spread your infectious laugh to others as well. When you share your secrets of joy with friends and family, you become the supreme goddess of happiness."
Is this true because my answers are truthful or is this a scam to boost people's self-esteem?
Things I'm greatful for today:
1. Nothing |
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| I Think I do |
[Sep. 15th, 2007|03:37 pm] |
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| |  confused | ] |
At this point I still think I do for him =S
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| Slipping Right Back In |
[Sep. 13th, 2007|12:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | confused | ] |
I really should make more time to write in my journal and keep it up to date with everything that has been going on. It's already getting crazy with school with the amount of readings I have and this stupid course I took for english which I'm already regretting. Thank god I wrote an e-mail to one of the profs for another class explaining to her that I wanted to be in her class instead and she was nice enough and understood that I wanted to be in her class where I know I would be interested in the material and push myself and exceed my expectations of getting an amazing mark in her class as opposed to being in a class which I hate and not even working hard at all. The only down side of this is yesterday was the day to drop out and having $15 withheld anything after that is 10% and so on. So in a way im screwed.
Monday: Was a weird day just getting back into routine with school was a days worth of stressing. I know in a pervious entry of mine I said this would be the last entry I ever write about Hishaam boy was I wrong on that. He decided to finally unblock me from MSN I know it's not anything big but it is for him at least. We haven't spoken to each other in 2 months so to have him unblock me made me a bit crazy. I started freaking out calling everyone stressing asking what I should do it's like I went back to my old ways when I was with him. At this point so many questions were swarming in my head. Did he come back because he missed me, did he realize that he was actually losing me, did he come back to tell me he's found someone else etc. I felt like my head was about to explode. I held back and didn't say anything until he did. What do you know he did. The conversation was good it was over msn but it was a start I guess. I just know that I'm not expecting anything and I'm going to take it one day at a time.
Tuesday: Hishaam called and wow it blew me away I haven't heard his voice in 2 months it was hard to put the phone down when our conversation was over but I knew I had to be strong and hold it out and wait and see where things go. The first thing he said to me when I answered was "It's been a while since I haven't heard your voice". I'm a sap what can I say I thought it was cute. The feeling I got from today was that he was holding back it was hard to just jump right into a conversation with him. It was basically small talk and it was good I guess we both needed it. I feel as though him coming back was like a safety net for him that he needed some reassurance that I was still around and willing to talk to him after everything happened. It's sad though after 3 years and loving him like no tomorrow I've put this wall infront of me just so I don't get hurt in the end if he came back to make it work or not. I know i should stop reading into things so much but it's hard not to with Hishaam he's a book you can't put down you want to know so much but just when you think you know it's another twist to the story. Even for myself for once school, work and my personal life was under control.
Why is it when you just get things together you hear from the one person who can pull it all apart?. I feel as though he has a way with me and every time I start having everything back together and everything is good he slips right back in.
All I know is that I'm ready for anything at this point if he wants to work it out and if he doesn't but I can't be friends with him if that's what he thinks. It's too hard on me to be friends with someone I was so head over heels with. I still have feelings for him and I've waited for this day to happen for him to come back but if his intentions are to be friends then it can't be done. My life was good without him these past 2 months but I did miss having him around. Never know my life may be better off without him rather then with him. We'll just have to wait and see.
Things I'm greatful for today:
1. He came back
2. Hearing his voice after so long
3. Knowing my friends will support me in anything I've decided to do
4. Having my mom look out for me |
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| Blast from the Past |
[Sep. 13th, 2007|11:43 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sketchy | ] |
The past always has a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it. Just when I thought I could relax and focus all my attention on school people from my past have to come back into my life and cause more drama in it.
In highschool I knew this guy I'll just call him "ratface" since that was his code name. Anyways we were so close towards the end of highschool we both knew there was a connection there but nothing happened of course he picked another girl and they started dating. I moved on and at this point I was getting ready to move away and start school. Of course drama has to follow me where ever I go. Ratface came a few times to rez to come and visit me it was nice to have him spend some time since we lost that ever since he started dating her. As time went on I just didn't feel like spending time with him anymore and that's when I met Hishaam so all my attention and focus was directed towards him. We lost contact no more phone calls, msn, e-mails etc. Basically I cut all signs of communication since I knew what ratface's intentions was to be with me. After 3 years of not speaking to each other 3 Saturday's ago I get a random text from ratface saying it's been a long time and that we should catch up.
To my surprise ratface confesses to me that for 3 years he's been living with the biggest mistake he's ever made by picking the other girl and not me. He just went on and on how he has so much regret. I'm at a point in my life where I'm so overwhelm with school and not to mention applying to grad schools and work and balancing a social life on top of that I just don't have the time to deal with this. I try and run away from it but it keeps coming back. Don't get me wrong ratface is a good person but I question his intentions I just find it way to sketchy.Not to mention I just got out of a 3 year relationship I need some "me" time where I can focus on myself and not have to give give and give to someone. Maybe I'm just being hard on the kid I have certain expectations of being with someone. The biggest thing for me is that they have to be in school or with a degree I'm not settling for anything less. I've done the older boyfriend who had a degree but yet not job I don't want to get into a relationship with someone who doesn't have a degree but does have the job. I don't have the time to motivate and push someone when I'm trying to focus on me and what's best for my life.
I hate being in this position I know what I have to do I just need a way of getting the right words out to tell ratface it won't work I just want it coming out the wrong way. We'll see how it goes
Thing's I'm greatful for today:
1. First day of Ramadan =)
2. The Hills show .....I love it
3. Jewish Holidays = A day off from school I love York U |
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